Today is the last of this current wankathon. The girlfriend returns tomorrow and so will the usual, somewhat less saucy, content of this reputable blog. Having forgotten about it yesterday, I’m a day behind so have to go for a double whammy today - which is a bit of a struggle as after only five days I’ve run out of things to wank about. How bad is that? Hopefully I’ll think of something while writing the bit about Christina Aguilera…
As one of the original pop-tartlets, Christina Aguilera distinguished herself from the others by a) being talented and b) appearing to have a much stronger grasp of her own sexuality than her peers. Unlike the rest of the batch, Xxxtina genuinely appeared to age and mature in front of our own eyes; becoming a glamorous, confident personality rather than mere post-legal jailbait.
Feast your joy-receptors on ‘Candyman’, possibly Lustina’s coolest music vid and most likeable song. In fact, this refreshingly original and flavourful pop track was so good I think it went straight to Radio 2. The video, of course, harks back to that golden age of the US military when it wasn’t starting and losing wars. This setting blends perfectly with the bounce and character of the song and Aguilera is (probably) the only female singer around who could pull off the vintage pin-up style without simply looking like a cheap stripper. Awesome song, awesome broad. Awesome wank. Which kinda makes you think about stuff too.
Still, no ideas for any further wankage; I’m watching Hellboy on DVD so my heart isn’t really in it. In most cases where my imagination fail me I find it’s best to think about Cheryl Tweedy (which also keeps to the whole “popstars worth giving a damn about” theme and makes this almost seem brilliantly thought-out - almost). Tweedy/Cole is widely regarded as fitter than anyone you will ever even dream of fucking and scientists from over twenty nations are working together to conclusively prove that this whole Ashley Cole thing is a mass-hallucination and, in reality, Cheryl spends her time away from the rest of the girl group walking barefoot through dewy meadows, having pillow fights with herself in sexy PJs and sitting in front of her computer until 3am watching Garth Merenghi clips on YouTube and chatting to her buddies on MSN while getting stoned.
Anyway, please enjoy this video of Cheryl Tweedy half-heartedly trying to squeeze into a box:
Here’s another of her getting gunged - which, as we all know, is basically the Saturday kids TV equivalent of a facial:
And here she is again, this time riding a tiny motorbike. The vid also features Holly Willoughby, once voted “TV personality you’d most like to have as your fuck buddy” by readers of the Radio Times, dressed up as a schoolgirl. Did the guys who judge what’s acceptable on TV take Saturday mornings off back then? Why was there such a load of hassle about her possessing a cleavage and showing it on the telly at 8pm in the evening after she spent much of her early career staining the sheets of millions of schoolboys (of all ages) across the country. She was hardcore breakfast-porn, everyone knew it and loved her for it. Some mornings, I would even love her for it more than once. Obvious joke. I feel more ashamed about that than having written about wanking for the past six days.
(Yes, I missed a day - went to see Son of Rambow instead)
Life necessitates a Girls Aloud wank every now and again. The rigours of work, the stress of the commute, personal troubles, family feuds… all these factors congruify within you, eventually causing death. While doctors have yet to find a cure for this so-called “ageing”, science-wranglers suggest that the resultant build-up of frustratoroids, caused by stressful situations, naturally gravitate towards the male genitals - where, if ignored, they will increase in size, power and intensity, eventually latching on to your nervous system and effecting your behaviour. Indeed, patients found to suffer from chronic cases of frustratoroids are often, to quote the journal I’m reading this from, “up-tight, anal, neurotic and self-righteous cunts who need to take a good look in the mirror and ask themselves, what the fuck are you doing?”.
It’s not all doom and gloom though, as healthy and frequent masturbation is found to ease frustratoroids and, in general, make you a far happier person. Such up-tight cunts as mentioned above are prescribed a wankification process to cure them of their illness - while those found to have too few frustratoroids entering their system are often led to dewankification clinics to improve their lifestyle. Sometimes dewankification goes to far, however, and a rewankification programme is enabled. I only tell you this, not because I think wankification is funny, but because it might save your life one day.
This is all besides the point, as my original argument is that life necessitates Girls Aloud. Indeed, when times are really tough and you need to let loose, is there any better alternative to this sexy, pop-emitting quintet? Never in the history of mankind have five such-fuckable females been gathered in one position, forced to perform in ludicrously sexy costumes for the benefit of a male audience, and achieved widespread approval and acceptance. There is something for everyone with this lot, from the cheekily slutty Cheryl Tweedy to the overtly slutty Sarah Harding.
Here’s to Girls Aloud; to gather five girls of equivalent hotness and a similar penchant for curvaceous gyratory, you would probably require a cattle prod and a permit.
I’ve been bugging Aviary for months to let me become one of the privileged few allowed to beta test their highly appealing set of online apps that promises to be a web-based version of Adobe’s CS3 collection of creative products. Unfortunately, my requests have been steadfastly denied and I’m left using Paint to make a consistent stream of fake nudes of my mate’s mum.
Regardless, Aviary are updating their company blog with examples of the impressive possibilities the apps offer. One of the examples shown is a mash-up of celebrity faces to build the ‘hottest’ celeb of them all.
The picture below is an almalgamation of Catherine Zeta-Jones, Keira Knightly, Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron. Fuck or chuck, readers? And don’t you think the result looks a bit like the TX-girl from Terminator 3?
While I’d still love a whack with those Aviary tools, celebrity mash-ups bore me. So, until some clever folks can mix the personalities of famous people - resulting in the uber-tasty Cheryl Tweedy being injected with the personality of super-slut Paris Hilton - I’m going back to Paint…
