I don’t care about Miley Cyrus; I barely even know who she is. Though wasn’t that the name of John Malkovich’s character in Con Air? Which is certainly a contender for only decent reason why Nicholas Cage should be allowed to make movies - not to mention a vest.
I certainly haven’t watched any Smiley Virus videos. Like, ever. So the only possible reason I can think of why My YouTube Recommendations should offer two videos (out of three) of this, presumed, piece of jailbait poplette ass is that either: a) Miley Cyrus now makes up 77% of everything on the internet or b) the recommendation thing is just plain silly. Whichever one it is, neither are very interesting to talk about.
The other current meme making its way across the blogosphere is this Olympics viral campaign thing that’s being over-shared to death. It’s almost enough to incite me to write a How to Spend a Few Hours Online without Being Bored by People Talking About the Olympics post.
Here’s a quick how-to on “how to” block the Olympics from your personal infosphere:
1. Try to spend as much time reading your feeds on Google Reader - actively seeking knowledge is so anti-progress anyway - and install this script to add a filter. Enter Smellympic terms in the exclude box and rejoice at your shitty contest free world.
2. If you have to venture into the wilds of the web this approach is no good. To give yourself a fighting chance of remaining a Fairly Interesting Person, use the negative Google search operator. If you use ‘-olympics’ after every search term, your value over life ratio will increase.
3. In extreme cases, you may need to use one of those netnanny products (In the future, I’d like to see some stats showing the relationship between NetNanny’d homes and kids who end up as porn stars/crack whores/rapists) and see if they can be switched to block all Gay-lympic stuff instead of the good stuff. Extra bonus, using these programs you can even protect yourself from instant messenging conversations with people talking about the Dullympic Lames! I may apply that to any conversations I have with chicks which don’t devolve into cybering after five mins. Cut those prick-teases off!
And that’s my key to a far more fulfilling lifestyle over the next…however many days/weeks/months this thing lasts for. Can’t we just go back to being afraid/exploiting of China and stop pretending to give a shit that their hosting of the games is the first step to greater inclusion with the ‘global community’?
Categories: News
Tagged: block, boring, celebrity, miley cyrus, olympics, video, who?, youtube
In this long anticipated second part of the Crunkfish-led celebration of celebrity coke-sniffing, we turn a bright, unflattering light on two more powder-snortling peers of the lifestyle of excess – this time around our junkies of choice are The Queen actress Helen Mirren and Dawson’s Creek star James Van Der Beek.
Long before becoming the globally-respected grand-MILF of the British film industry, Helen Mirren was an aspiring actress back in the days when drugs were as rampant in the business as they are today and any young crumpet hoping to become famous was expected to smoke more than just the cock. While Mirren has long since shook off her addiction for sucking off middle-aged film execs, she has found it far more difficult to curb her desire for the white stuff – not that she’s bothered by this. In a recent interview with Choice magazine, Mirren responded to a question about how she has remained so eminently fuckable over the years by saying, “lots and lots of coke – can I say that?”
Unlike most people’s experience with substance abuse, James Van Der Blockhead’s tale is a somewhat tragic one. Like other young actors, Van Der Berk was introduced to cocaine early on in his career by the guy who sung about The Lord of the Rings character Bilbo Baggins, Leonard Nimoy. While Dawson’s Creek dominated the hangover TV schedules, Van Der Brick was able to afford the vast quantities of cocaine he needed to satiate his addiction. Unfortunately, the TV series (which mainly featured a small group of teenagers hanging around somebody’s pond) surprised everyone by proving to have absolutely no longevity whatsoever and was eventually canned. Van Der Fuck was unprepared for the sudden loss of income and resorted to ‘quick fix’ measures to obtain easy cash. This started with a demeaning job climbing into the bedrooms of young girls as surprise birthday treats until the novelty wore off and the role devolved forcing him to climb into the bedrooms of old women and giving them rim-jobs. Currently, the man who made being a whiny, pretentious teenager cool again earns enough money to get his daily fix by selling nude pictures of a young Katie Holmes via the internet. Fair play.
In related news, Columbian bio-chemists are hoping to use newly-acquired technologies to develop a powerful, mind-altering drug by converting Tom Cruise’s belief system into powder form. Stay tuned for further updates.
Categories: Drugs
Tagged: abuse, celebrities, celebrity, cocaine, Drugs, helen mirren, james van der beek, tom cruise
