crunkfish.com

Today is the last of this current wankathon. The girlfriend returns tomorrow and so will the usual, somewhat less saucy, content of this reputable blog. Having forgotten about it yesterday, I’m a day behind so have to go for a double whammy today - which is a bit of a struggle as after only five days I’ve run out of things to wank about. How bad is that? Hopefully I’ll think of something while writing the bit about Christina Aguilera…

As one of the original pop-tartlets, Christina Aguilera distinguished herself from the others by a) being talented and b) appearing to have a much stronger grasp of her own sexuality than her peers. Unlike the rest of the batch, Xxxtina genuinely appeared to age and mature in front of our own eyes; becoming a glamorous, confident personality rather than mere post-legal jailbait.

Feast your joy-receptors on ‘Candyman’, possibly Lustina’s coolest music vid and most likeable song. In fact, this refreshingly original and flavourful pop track was so good I think it went straight to Radio 2. The video, of course, harks back to that golden age of the US military when it wasn’t starting and losing wars. This setting blends perfectly with the bounce and character of the song and Aguilera is (probably) the only female singer around who could pull off the vintage pin-up style without simply looking like a cheap stripper. Awesome song, awesome broad. Awesome wank. Which kinda makes you think about stuff too.

Still, no ideas for any further wankage; I’m watching Hellboy on DVD so my heart isn’t really in it. In most cases where my imagination fail me I find it’s best to think about Cheryl Tweedy (which also keeps to the whole “popstars worth giving a damn about” theme and makes this almost seem brilliantly thought-out - almost). Tweedy/Cole is widely regarded as fitter than anyone you will ever even dream of fucking and scientists from over twenty nations are working together to conclusively prove that this whole Ashley Cole thing is a mass-hallucination and, in reality, Cheryl spends her time away from the rest of the girl group walking barefoot through dewy meadows, having pillow fights with herself in sexy PJs and sitting in front of her computer until 3am watching Garth Merenghi clips on YouTube and chatting to her buddies on MSN while getting stoned.

Anyway, please enjoy this video of Cheryl Tweedy half-heartedly trying to squeeze into a box:

Here’s another of her getting gunged - which, as we all know, is basically the Saturday kids TV equivalent of a facial:

And here she is again, this time riding a tiny motorbike. The vid also features Holly Willoughby, once voted “TV personality you’d most like to have as your fuck buddy” by readers of the Radio Times, dressed up as a schoolgirl. Did the guys who judge what’s acceptable on TV take Saturday mornings off back then? Why was there such a load of hassle about her possessing a cleavage and showing it on the telly at 8pm in the evening after she spent much of her early career staining the sheets of millions of schoolboys (of all ages) across the country. She was hardcore breakfast-porn, everyone knew it and loved her for it. Some mornings, I would even love her for it more than once. Obvious joke. I feel more ashamed about that than having written about wanking for the past six days.