This is what porn would look like if it was sketched on the pavement by Dick Van Dyke doing a poor impression of some sort of London-dwelling Australian. Mary Poppins reference, anyone? Y’know, when Julie Andrews and the kids dive in and experience that supercalafragelisticexpialadocious blend of animation and real-life? I guess that’s not a cool comparison to make. Still, at least I didn’t mention Diagnosis Murder. Oh, bollocks. Did you know that was actually Dick Van Dyke’s son in that series? Did you care?
Sorry if this post is a bit of a mess. I’m trying really hard. Emo-child Megatron reliably informed me that I suck and should eat balls, so I’m making a real effort to not suck and eat something cool. Like bagels. Though I guess they’re kinda so 2007 or something. Megatron would know what’s cool to eat. He probably doesn’t even eat he’s so down with it. He simply draws sustenance from the whirling maelstrom of feeling that constantly threatens to overwhelm his sense of being. Carving ISOL8D into his forearm with a compass is his pie and mash. I just wish his parents understood him like Bert McCracken does.
In this long anticipated second part of the Crunkfish-led celebration of celebrity coke-sniffing, we turn a bright, unflattering light on two more powder-snortling peers of the lifestyle of excess – this time around our junkies of choice are The Queen actress Helen Mirren and Dawson’s Creek star James Van Der Beek.
Long before becoming the globally-respected grand-MILF of the British film industry, Helen Mirren was an aspiring actress back in the days when drugs were as rampant in the business as they are today and any young crumpet hoping to become famous was expected to smoke more than just the cock. While Mirren has long since shook off her addiction for sucking off middle-aged film execs, she has found it far more difficult to curb her desire for the white stuff – not that she’s bothered by this. In a recent interview with Choice magazine, Mirren responded to a question about how she has remained so eminently fuckable over the years by saying, “lots and lots of coke – can I say that?”
Unlike most people’s experience with substance abuse, James Van Der Blockhead’s tale is a somewhat tragic one. Like other young actors, Van Der Berk was introduced to cocaine early on in his career by the guy who sung about The Lord of the Rings character Bilbo Baggins, Leonard Nimoy. While Dawson’s Creek dominated the hangover TV schedules, Van Der Brick was able to afford the vast quantities of cocaine he needed to satiate his addiction. Unfortunately, the TV series (which mainly featured a small group of teenagers hanging around somebody’s pond) surprised everyone by proving to have absolutely no longevity whatsoever and was eventually canned. Van Der Fuck was unprepared for the sudden loss of income and resorted to ‘quick fix’ measures to obtain easy cash. This started with a demeaning job climbing into the bedrooms of young girls as surprise birthday treats until the novelty wore off and the role devolved forcing him to climb into the bedrooms of old women and giving them rim-jobs. Currently, the man who made being a whiny, pretentious teenager cool again earns enough money to get his daily fix by selling nude pictures of a young Katie Holmes via the internet. Fair play.
In related news, Columbian bio-chemists are hoping to use newly-acquired technologies to develop a powerful, mind-altering drug by converting Tom Cruise’s belief system into powder form. Stay tuned for further updates.
