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Day Four - A Girls Aloud Wank

(Yes, I missed a day - went to see Son of Rambow instead)

Life necessitates a Girls Aloud wank every now and again. The rigours of work, the stress of the commute, personal troubles, family feuds… all these factors congruify within you, eventually causing death. While doctors have yet to find a cure for this so-called “ageing”, science-wranglers suggest that the resultant build-up of frustratoroids, caused by stressful situations, naturally gravitate towards the male genitals - where, if ignored, they will increase in size, power and intensity, eventually latching on to your nervous system and effecting your behaviour. Indeed, patients found to suffer from chronic cases of frustratoroids are often, to quote the journal I’m reading this from, “up-tight, anal, neurotic and self-righteous cunts who need to take a good look in the mirror and ask themselves, what the fuck are you doing?”.

It’s not all doom and gloom though, as healthy and frequent masturbation is found to ease frustratoroids and, in general, make you a far happier person. Such up-tight cunts as mentioned above are prescribed a wankification process to cure them of their illness - while those found to have too few frustratoroids entering their system are often led to dewankification clinics to improve their lifestyle. Sometimes dewankification goes to far, however, and a rewankification programme is enabled. I only tell you this, not because I think wankification is funny, but because it might save your life one day.

This is all besides the point, as my original argument is that life necessitates Girls Aloud. Indeed, when times are really tough and you need to let loose, is there any better alternative to this sexy, pop-emitting quintet? Never in the history of mankind have five such-fuckable females been gathered in one position, forced to perform in ludicrously sexy costumes for the benefit of a male audience, and achieved widespread approval and acceptance. There is something for everyone with this lot, from the cheekily slutty Cheryl Tweedy to the overtly slutty Sarah Harding.

Here’s to Girls Aloud; to gather five girls of equivalent hotness and a similar penchant for curvaceous gyratory, you would probably require a cattle prod and a permit.